Exorcising Demons

People have begun asking me about new posts, so I've decided to add another while folks await my first "official" post, my first new thing. It seems this endeavor has riled my demons. If you'd asked me three weeks ago whether or not I ever struggled with my writing, had to wrestle with my critic, I think I would have told you I had learned to slip past her, learned to "enter in" to my writing at will.

But my beginning efforts toward my new things have been startling, my critic harsh and relentless, my resistance even stronger. I have four drafts now for my first three new things, had hoped to have them posted. I am in week three, and my fears of having this goal pile up on me in undone new things or unwritten posts are growing even as I sit here typing. The doves are fluttering and the house sparrows chirping, their sounds coming in the open door with the hot April almost dusk. I remember to breath, note my cats, the one gray shape, one black, both lying alert in the courtyard. I am thirsty and sleepy and think it's unlikely I'll return to revising my drafts this evening. But I will allow for the possibility.

I have theories about why I'm having such a hard time. I am not a journalist, hadn't thought of what it might be like to try to "report" each new thing. I've told myself I don't need to report at all, can touch on the thing and then wander away from it. I have tried freewriting and then revising, decided focusing more intentionally might be better, tried that too with even less satisfaction in the results. I can write this post here, can post it unrevised, think I may resort to that for the new things, avoid being too critical. But I wanted to practice polishing short pieces. That was part of my muti-layered hopes for this blog. Do I abandon that? Do I change the blog entirely, do the new things as well but write about something else? Are my expectations too high? Is my fear of going public thwarting me? Are the planets running amok, ruining my words? ;-)

Two days ago I thought I understood the troubles I'd had with my writing earlier in the week. I reminded myself one of my goals for doing this was to learn more about my writing process. Wrestling with my demons was an answer to prayer, a chance to learn and grow. I thought about how much better this would help me understand when my students struggle. Two days ago I made the mistake of thinking I had already come out on the other side of this one. Now as the light leaves the day I know I am still in the midst of it. But I am not sitting silent, not altogether. And I'm not despairing. So please, do stay tuned.